Out of the norm

My senior year of high school was rough.  I'm pretty sure the first 3 months of school I didn't smile.

"Smiling's my favorite"--Buddy the elf....and me.

Let me tell you why- I dropped out of jazz band, I stopped playing sports, my church got a new lead pastor and youth pastor, my mom was in and out of the hospital...and I was being an idiot.

Woof.

Prior to school starting, I snuck out of my house to hang out with some friends.  We went to a house party to smoke and drink.  In my intoxicated stupor, a guy I didn't even know and I went off to a bed room and...whatever.

I went home that night really, really broken.  I couldn't sleep, eat, cry, feel anything but guilt and shame.

Later in the school year, I couldn't stand feeling so low anymore.  The one thing I knew I needed to do to feel relief was the scariest thing I had to do- tell my dad.  I spent a whole weekend psyching myself up for that dreaded conversation.  Go figure- the night I want to talk with my dad, he goes to bed early. Go figure- he has to leave town early the next morning for work out of town.  If I didn't say anything to him that night, I was going to lose my nerve.

So I wrote him a note  explaining what happened and shoved in his computer bag.  The next three days went by way too fast and way too slow all at the same time.  I was not looking forward to his reaction- I thought he would reject me, he wouldn't love me, he would disown me.  Lies.

Later in the week when he came home, I was in my bedroom getting ready for work and he came in.  We looked at each other and he walked across the room without saying a word and hugged me.  I broke down sobbing.  I know we would've talked more...stupid job.  Those few intimate minutes we spent in my room were a freaking God-send.

Only after I was broken of this superman complex, humbled beyond what I thought possible, and being scared sh*tless did I experience kairos.  Through my dad, God showed me true, unconditional, undeserving, intimate love. Time froze just for a moment and the walls came down.

Back home

Back home, I had my sound guy.  Actually, he was more my slides and lights guy who also happened to do a little bit of sound.  When the mics were hot and the lights were on (and just as hot), we were tight. He was very much another part of the band.

When I wanted to switch to a song that wasn't in our list for the night, he had it ready by the time I started singing the first verse.  When I was going to do a stomp in a song, he'd dip the lights and bring them back up when the band came back in.  When I was going to say something, he'd make sure all of the other instruments came down in the mix in time to hear my first word.

That guy....a very, very hard man to replace.

Yet, sometimes I have to be that person.  I need to know those basics- up, down, mix, balance, listen, respond. What a daunting task! But I ask myself- am I the most effective worship leader I can be if I don't at least have an elementary grasp on the technical side of service?

NOLA

My youth group went down to New Orleans every summer for the past 5 years.  I had the privilege of being one of a few youth leaders to accompany on the trip.  Each day, we worked on different site and performed tasks to help rebuild homes due to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.  Most of our jobs consisted of construction-esque duties.

The first year I was on the trip, there were 6 of us at one house ripping out the rotted wooden fascia and soffit installing the longer lasting vinyl version.  It took us 5 days to rip apart, cut up the appropriate sizes, and reinstall everything...we didn't have all of the appropriate tools to get the job done any faster.

I love construction jobs.

I am terrible at construction jobs.

Thankfully, there was another leader at the site we were at who had significantly more experience in this field than I did.  There was no way on God's green earth I could lead this project and wasn't about to attempt to take the lead.  He gave us all instructions on how to go about everything and we all obliged.  I must say, our handiwork (for being a rag-tag group of high school people) was pretty darn good!  

The last year I was on the trip, our youth group partnered up with an organization called the St. Bernard Project.  We were sent out to multiple sites to install insulation, put up dry wall, paint, remove mold...or sort screws in their warehouse.  

P.S. sorting screws are a waste of time and a joke.  

I was the only adult leader to be sent off to a different site every day we were down.  I had a different crew of students every day, a different project every day, and new challenges within our group every day.  If I had it my way, I wouldn't have been bouncing around so much, but the guy in charge of our whole team always asked me to be the one to take on the new sites.

In the middle of both of those trips, I was pulled off to the side by some of my co-leaders.  They thanked me for my flexibility and willingness to take a more back seat role to follow.  I was creating an example for my high schoolers.  It's okay not not always be the one up front.  It's okay to not be the one in charge.  It's okay to admit that I don't have all the answers or the experience to get the job done.

There is so much more to the story as there always is with mission work. 

Ever since I was young, everybody pegged me as a leader.  I know that is in me and I embrace that.  For the longest time, I had no idea what it looked like to be a follower.  That created a lot of conflict between me and whoever was in charge of whatever project.  New Orleans was out of my element in leadership and I was forced to step back and humble myself to the other leader's authority those weeks. What did I gain out of those few weeks every summer?  I gained those 3 C's we talked about in class- confidence, credibility and compassion.  

I learned a butt-ton of new skills in basic construction.  In the moments I needed to step up, our crew knew they could trust me.  I had the eyes to see students hurting on the trip and could sit down to be a comfort to them.

Following someone else's lead isn't so bad.

What theology?

Theology is one of those words that I've heard a lot in school... 2 of my last 3 were private faith-based colleges so that would make sense. Yet theology is one of those words I think we take for granted and we pretend we really know what it means.  I decided to take 30 seconds to look up what "theology" actually means.

Theology: The systematic and rational study of religion and it's influences and of the nature of religious truths.

Alleli translation: The patterns and habits we form in our faith due to the influences surrounding us.

I know, it's a significantly less scientific translation.  My bad.

Some things I've noticed in myself as I develop my own theology on worship is there are a lot of changes going on in my heart.   I'm finding out very quickly a lot of what I thought was my theology was just my own selfish opinion.  Example: for a long time I thought it was stupid how many people would close their eyes for a whole worship set...and not just close their eyes- it looked like their eye lids were putting their eyeballs in a vice grip.  To me, everybody looked like they were trying to not poop their pants.  "Why are they getting so emotional?" I thought. "We're singing about God's love.  Be happy!" So my theology at that time was worship was more than just an emotion. 

It's true.  Worship really is more than just an emotion.  But I twisted it in my head to believe the lie of worship has no need for emotion.  After all, we choose to worship.  What a twisted, selfish opinion on worship theology!

So after all of those scattered thoughts and many paragraphs started, deleted, and rewritten...I guess the place that I am at in regards to my theology is:

I'm still learning. I'm still discovering the lies that I believe(d).  And I'm excited to see where this next season takes me.