Out of the norm

My senior year of high school was rough.  I'm pretty sure the first 3 months of school I didn't smile.

"Smiling's my favorite"--Buddy the elf....and me.

Let me tell you why- I dropped out of jazz band, I stopped playing sports, my church got a new lead pastor and youth pastor, my mom was in and out of the hospital...and I was being an idiot.

Woof.

Prior to school starting, I snuck out of my house to hang out with some friends.  We went to a house party to smoke and drink.  In my intoxicated stupor, a guy I didn't even know and I went off to a bed room and...whatever.

I went home that night really, really broken.  I couldn't sleep, eat, cry, feel anything but guilt and shame.

Later in the school year, I couldn't stand feeling so low anymore.  The one thing I knew I needed to do to feel relief was the scariest thing I had to do- tell my dad.  I spent a whole weekend psyching myself up for that dreaded conversation.  Go figure- the night I want to talk with my dad, he goes to bed early. Go figure- he has to leave town early the next morning for work out of town.  If I didn't say anything to him that night, I was going to lose my nerve.

So I wrote him a note  explaining what happened and shoved in his computer bag.  The next three days went by way too fast and way too slow all at the same time.  I was not looking forward to his reaction- I thought he would reject me, he wouldn't love me, he would disown me.  Lies.

Later in the week when he came home, I was in my bedroom getting ready for work and he came in.  We looked at each other and he walked across the room without saying a word and hugged me.  I broke down sobbing.  I know we would've talked more...stupid job.  Those few intimate minutes we spent in my room were a freaking God-send.

Only after I was broken of this superman complex, humbled beyond what I thought possible, and being scared sh*tless did I experience kairos.  Through my dad, God showed me true, unconditional, undeserving, intimate love. Time froze just for a moment and the walls came down.